Im afraid to tell you who I am..

I have had so many relationships in my 26 1/2 years, I dread to attempt at counting the actual number. In all, I have had one, yes ONE, relationship where I made an attempt at some level of emotional intimacy. Even then, I was practically coerced into it, and that was the longest r/s by far, all 1/1/2 years. My bf in that relationship made me read a book - I am afraid to tell you who I am, because that is all I have, and you may not like it. Bullocks. Well, that was what I thought at that time anyway.
When I think about my relationship patterns, I see the vicious cycle that inadvertently leads to the same vicious ending. In the beginning I am always Miss bravado, with her brave, i can handle you face. Then, when the walls that protect my vulnerability are threatened, I run. Yes, I run as hard, as fast and as far as I can. Because, what if you saw whoI really was. Would you like me then?

Today, I attempted to re-enact the oh so familiar final step of the cycle. but this time, he pushed me a bit harder. Tell me, what is it that is really on your mind> so i cannot give you commitment, but I am also not willing to just let you go. So I thought, to hell with it. Why not try something a little different? So i relented, and I let him in , just a tiny bit. The end result? He cstill could not commit to a relationship, but he wanted to see the other, not so positive, not so brave side of me. No strings attached. What? emotional intimacy with no strings attached? thats a new one! What happened to physical intimacy with no emotional burden?

We all try to hide our real self, to a certain extent. But the braver we try to be, the weaker we really are on the inside. And sometimes, you meet someone who wants to be your friend, who will be there for you, and is willing to give up the needs of the other head to meet the needs of your soul. He has never let me down before, so its a brand new feeling , to trust and to let myself go. Its not easy to let go of the ties that bind ur hearts, but with baby steps, the knots will loosen, and maybe, one day, I wont be afraid to tell you who I am. Because this is all I have, and I know you will love it.