the thing about Thunderstorms...

They say that you should never use electronic devices in a thunderstorm, eat carbs after 6, or drink alcohol with sleeping pills. So here I am, 10pm on a stormy tuesday night, woken from my restless, valium induced sleep by a phone call, reaching out for a comforting snack of muesli, skimmed milk and pinot grigio.
See the thing about being rendered physically semi paralytic and sleeping restlessly due to a subconcious bent on torturing with you abstract and uncomfortable dreams is that when you are abruptly woken, you find yourself unable to fall back into a restful slumber. You are suddenly made even more concious of the niggling thoughts that you have somehow managed up till now to suppress and store in the deeper compartments of your mind.
So it is, on this rainy and sticky summers night that I sit here in front of my laptop wondering to myself- what is it about thunderstorms that make us all the more lonely, and can you really be friends when you really would rather be lovers?
As if on cue, the thunder pauses and I can hear the gentle patter of rain on the concrete in my backyard, just quietly tapping away away above the endless hum of my desk fan. I find myself willing the thunder to return, for ironically, the eerie repetitive sound of falling rain rings hollow, and the thunder promises to be a better companion. In NY, my thoughts were filled with London, becuase for that moment, it felt like my home. Caught up in the excitement that is NYC, I was looking forward to comfort and familiarity on my return to this quieter cousin that is the city of London. But in my gut, there is a sickening and all too familiar feeling- where does this lead to? Should i not be celebrating the fact that I am now in the interview process in my MBA application and another step closer to my dream? So why is it that all I can think about is, perhaps he is at dinner with someone he had met over the weekend, but more importantly, we all valiantly attempt to hold on to the vestiges of what had passed for a relationship, by creating a new, artificially elevated status for what we used to have- a GOOD friendship.
Can 2 people really be friends when there are expectations, fears and mistrust? This question has even more bearing when the scales of this frienship are tipped, with one side having all of the above and the other not wanting the pressures of the 3 ties that weigh one down.
Do we really have to be courageous and say to ourselves that as grown ups, we should break the cycles that hurt us, and learn to face the reality of our relationships, and to feel blessed that we have lost a lover, but gained a true friend. but how true is true? When one side inevitably meets another, what happens to this friendship? Do we hold back the feelings of betrayal, after all, these were expecations created in your own mind, or do we simply say, this is how I feel. You were my best friend because I was the only one in your heart, and now that this is no longer true, then you will no longer have that special place in mine.
I step outside. The storm has subsided and the rain has washed away the humidity, and just like that, the suffocating trepidition that I had felt seemed to unlock itself and release me from its vice like grip. Perhaps its the intoxcating combination of valium and wine thats slowly blurring my senses, or perhaps its just another night, just another dream and in the morning, when day breaks, it will be just another beautiful summers day, with questions lying in wait until the next roll of thunder...