Cai, I remember you. I am glad you found my blog amusing. Not sure whats so amusing about it, but as long as you get some sort of enjoyment out of it..
D2, I realised the psychological reasons for the person that I am a long time ago. Something about neglect, fear of abandonment, and being told youre not good enough. But hey, as long as you work on it, life is about making yourself a better person.
AM you still havnt told me who the hell you are. As for what is so wrong about me, you are obviously missing the point. Its not so much that there is something wrong with me, but the fear that what I have may not be what the person I care about is looking for.
When I was living in Tokyo, I was seeing someone. He was special because we met just before my dad was diagnosed with cancer. When I was devastated, he was there to take care of me in this foreign city. But my father said, if a man does not make you a part of his life, then he is not right for you. And to my father, this man was not right for me. He was another person who said , we have such a good time together, but I just cant commit right now. Ah the big C!
1/1/2 years later, we were still in touch, going on holidays together even if we were living in 2 different cities. Today, i received an email from my best friend in tokyo. He was getting married!
It was a moment which made me want to laugh out loud. As i read the email, my eyes fell onto the chart of the index which monitors the volatility of the US stock market. Up, down, Up down... the irony.
Can we really put a label on relationships? friends, casual relationships, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, mistress. The heart wants what it wants. Convenient compartments simply is our way of trying to simplify the things that life throws at us. We have to draw demarcations. As Dale Carnegie said, when we deal with humans, we are not dealing with creatures of logic. we are dealing with creatures brimming with emotions. We often do as our emotions tell us to, then find logical explanations for our actions.
For once, I really have no idea what the point of this blog is.
Cai, do you reckon, if we put all these amusing blogs together, I would have a best seller?
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
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4 comments:
yes, i think you can write a book. you write well and are very learned and academically excellent (if there is such a phrase!) i don't understand why you have a fear of not living up to another person's ideal, a fear of failure, being told you are not good enough or being neglected or abandoned. I believe your self esteem is much higher than that. but perhaps it is your perfectionist nature that causes you to accept only what is 'best' and nothing less.
listen, if your dad had given you so much support in his years, encouraged you, and given you the freedom to find yourself, I think you should be able to live as you are, and not hide your inner self or be afraid of acceptance.
be yourself ok? your true self...
oh no, here comes mr positiviry! now where have i seen this before...?
you've seen it where self-assured people dwell, in the arms of higher powers.
am: that comment wasn't for u.
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